1 00:00:01,260 --> 00:00:04,620 In order to coexist with other people, we need values. 2 00:00:05,019 --> 00:00:06,379 Values are extremely important. 3 00:00:06,639 --> 00:00:11,300 Values such as respect, justice, generosity, equality. 4 00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:14,580 But we also need social skills. 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,339 Do you know what social skills are? 6 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:24,019 Social skills are forms of behavior that help us to relate with other people in a good way. 7 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,160 Abilities that we should develop. 8 00:00:27,039 --> 00:00:29,480 I'll give you some examples of social skills. 9 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:36,380 One of them, for example, is knowing how to say no when someone asks you to do something you don't really want to do. 10 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:42,179 Another one is, for example, the ability to apologize when you did something wrong, 11 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:47,579 or knowing how to listen to a friend when he or she has something important to tell you, 12 00:00:47,799 --> 00:00:52,359 or knowing how to negotiate in order to reach agreements with other people. 13 00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:56,920 Social skills are essential in our life. 14 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:03,500 They help us to coexist with other people, and they're extremely important in order to manage conflict. 15 00:01:04,579 --> 00:01:10,560 We have conflicts with people all the time, problems with the people around us. 16 00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:16,359 Sometimes we would prefer not to have conflicts, but conflict is part of life. 17 00:01:16,819 --> 00:01:18,120 We cannot really avoid it. 18 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:23,180 We can learn, though, how to manage conflict in a positive way. 19 00:01:23,859 --> 00:01:27,420 What do you do when you have a problem, a conflict with another person? 20 00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:35,760 There are three different styles, different ways to behave when you have a problem with another person. 21 00:01:36,239 --> 00:01:43,719 We call these three behavioral styles the aggressive, the passive, and the assertive behavior. 22 00:01:44,459 --> 00:01:51,620 I like saying that when you have a problem with someone, you can react as a mouse, as a lion, or as a person. 23 00:01:52,439 --> 00:02:00,239 You react as a mouse when you are afraid of saying what you really think, what you really need, what you really feel. 24 00:02:00,799 --> 00:02:07,420 As you are afraid, you keep quiet, you avoid the problem, you don't talk to the person, and then you feel bad. 25 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:11,199 So this is not really a good way to solve the problem. 26 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,219 You are behaving as a mouse, you are behaving in a passive way. 27 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:21,099 Some people do the opposite thing, they react as a lion in an aggressive way. 28 00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:25,280 They really express which are their rights and their feelings and what they need, 29 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,219 but they do that in an aggressive way. 30 00:02:28,340 --> 00:02:32,099 They do that attacking other people and not respecting them. 31 00:02:32,439 --> 00:02:34,879 And this actually doesn't solve the problem either, 32 00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:39,659 because the other person could also get angry and that could make things worse. 33 00:02:40,439 --> 00:02:41,460 So what should we do? 34 00:02:42,199 --> 00:02:46,520 Well, we should react as human beings, because we are not mice and we are not lions. 35 00:02:47,039 --> 00:02:48,460 We are human beings. 36 00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:55,800 So, human beings should try to express what they really feel in a polite and kind way. 37 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:57,919 This is what we call assertiveness. 38 00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:02,599 You are assertive when you are telling what you really need and what you really feel, 39 00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:04,900 respecting other people's rights. 40 00:03:05,939 --> 00:03:07,620 This is not so easy. 41 00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:15,500 That's why the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg invented a method to help us manage conflict. 42 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:22,500 Rosenberg called this method the non-violent communication, and the method consists of 43 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:29,780 four steps. When you have a problem, Rosenberg says, follow these four steps. First, 44 00:03:30,879 --> 00:03:36,860 describe the facts. Describe what happened, not your interpretation of the facts, 45 00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:44,939 but what really happened. Second, show the other person how those facts made you feel. 46 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:46,919 How you feel about that. 47 00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,439 Three, express your needs. 48 00:03:50,860 --> 00:03:51,740 What do you need? 49 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,860 And four, make a request. 50 00:03:55,639 --> 00:03:58,960 Ask the other person what you want the other person to do. 51 00:03:59,939 --> 00:04:03,000 I'll give you an example to show you how this works. 52 00:04:03,740 --> 00:04:05,479 Imagine someone insults me. 53 00:04:06,259 --> 00:04:08,159 What do you do when someone insults you? 54 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,479 Many people would react saying, for example, 55 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,979 Hey, you insulted me. 56 00:04:14,939 --> 00:04:17,040 Now, I need you to apologize. 57 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:23,779 Is this following the four steps that Marshall Gressenberg recommends? 58 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:25,120 Not really. 59 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:30,860 When you say that you insulted me, you are not describing facts. 60 00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:32,699 You are doing an interpretation. 61 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,759 What would be correct? 62 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,040 Imagine you describe the facts. 63 00:04:39,319 --> 00:04:43,620 Describing the facts would be, for example, saying, you said I was stupid. 64 00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:50,920 that is a fact. In the second step, we should describe our feelings. When you told me I was 65 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:59,600 stupid, I felt sad, I felt frustrated, I felt angry. Three, what do I need? Express your needs. 66 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:12,560 I need respect. And four, what is the request? I would like you to please treat me in a respectful 67 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:18,959 way. So if you do that, that is a better way to solve conflicts because you're behaving like a 68 00:05:18,959 --> 00:05:21,360 human being and you're being really assertive.