1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,880
In order to coexist with other people we need values. Values are extremely

2
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:13,360
important. Values such as respect, justice, generosity, equality. But we also need

3
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:19,800
social skills. Do you know what social skills are? Social skills are forms of

4
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:25,000
behavior that help us to relate with other people in a good way. Abilities

5
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:30,880
that we should develop. I give you some examples of social skills. One of them

6
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:34,920
for example is knowing how to say no when someone asks you to do something

7
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:40,720
you don't really want to do. Another one is for example the ability to apologize

8
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:45,640
when you did something wrong, or knowing how to listen to a friend when he or she

9
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:50,480
has something important to tell you, or knowing how to negotiate in order to

10
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:56,720
reach agreements with other people. Social skills are essential in our life.

11
00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:01,400
They help us to coexist with other people and they are extremely important

12
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:07,960
in order to manage conflict. We have conflicts with people all the time,

13
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:13,800
problems with the people around us. Sometimes we would prefer not to have

14
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:19,360
conflicts, but conflict is part of life. We cannot really avoid it. We can learn

15
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:25,800
how to manage conflict in a positive way. What do you do when you have a problem, a

16
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:32,640
conflict with another person? There are three different styles, different ways to

17
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:37,720
behave when you have a problem with another person. We call these three

18
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:43,920
behavioral styles the aggressive, the passive, and the assertive behavior. I

19
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:49,280
like saying that when you have a problem with someone you can react as a mouse,

20
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:56,400
as a lion, or as a person. You react as a mouse when you are afraid of saying what

21
00:01:56,400 --> 00:02:01,640
you really think, what you really need, what you really feel. As you're afraid

22
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:06,760
you keep quiet, you avoid the problem, you don't talk to the person, and then you

23
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:12,280
feel bad. So this is not really a good way to solve the problem. You are

24
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:17,320
behaving as a mouse, you are behaving in a passive way. Some people do the

25
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:22,400
opposite thing. They react as a lion in an aggressive way. They really express

26
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:26,560
which are their rights and their feelings and what they need, but they do

27
00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:31,120
that in an aggressive way. They do that attacking other people and not

28
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:35,360
respecting them. And this actually doesn't solve the problem either because

29
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:40,840
the other person could also get angry and that could make things worse. So what

30
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:45,480
should we do? Well, we should react as human beings because we are not mice and

31
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:52,720
we are not lions. We are human beings. So human beings should try to express what

32
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:57,800
they really feel in a polite and kind way. This is what we call assertiveness.

33
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:02,120
You are assertive when you are telling what you really need and what you really

34
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:09,880
feel, respecting other people's rights. This is not so easy. That's why the

35
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:14,800
American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg invented a method to help us manage

36
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:21,200
conflict. Rosenberg called this method the non-violent communication and the

37
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:27,600
method consists of four steps. When you have a problem, Rosenberg says, follow

38
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:35,120
these four steps. First, describe the facts. Describe what happened, not your

39
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:41,960
interpretation of the facts, but what really happened. Second, show the other

40
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:49,880
person how those facts made you feel, how you feel about that. Three, express your

41
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:57,280
needs. What do you need? And four, make a request. Ask the other person what you

42
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:02,520
want the other person to do. I'll give you an example to show you how this

43
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:09,160
works. Imagine someone insults me. What do you do when someone insults you? Many

44
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:16,400
people would react saying, for example, hey, you insulted me. Now I need you to

45
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:22,000
apologize. Is this following the four steps that

46
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:29,520
Marshall Rosenberg recommends? Not really. When you say that you insulted me, you

47
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:36,920
are not describing facts. You're doing an interpretation. What would be correct?

48
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:40,600
Imagine you describe the facts. Describing the facts would be, for

49
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:47,520
example, saying you said I was stupid. That is a fact. In the second step, we

50
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:53,320
should describe our feelings. When you told me I was stupid, I felt sad. I felt

51
00:04:53,320 --> 00:05:01,960
frustrated. I felt angry. Three, what do I need? Express your needs. I need respect.

52
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:11,880
And four, what is the request? I would like you to please treat me in a

53
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:17,320
respectful way. So if you do that, that is a better way to solve conflicts

54
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:23,280
because you're behaving like a human being and you're being really assertive.